Everything Seemed Normal (On Obstinance)

I was at a birthday party thrown by a former high school friend at the Tangiers restaurant in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles. over six years had past since I had seen many of the people in attendance. I went with the idea that maybe I would reconnect with some wayward acquaintances, or at the very least get drunk and have a good time.

Shortly after arriving with a group of friends I was greeted by a woman, Shauna, whom I had not seen in years. We had been close once, part of a tight knit group that collapsed just prior to graduation for reasons too boring to detail.

Communication with Shauna over the years, what little there was, felt disingenuous and forced, and it was no different when she approached me that day.

Shauna smiled often. In fact, she almost always had a smile on her face. I can recall times where she was crying, the smile still permanently pressed on her face. I was as though she was forcing herself to be happy, that somehow playing happy would make happiness materialize.

I was annoyed by that smile.

So when she asked me how I was I responded with a story:

Some months prior I had been planning a trip to San Diego with friends and was set to leave later that day without stopping back at home. But upon inspecting my bags that night, I realized I had forgotten my cash and was forced to return home.

I opened the door and called out for my mother, who was supposed to be there. There was no response. I went into the bedroom and found the money and was set to leave when a feeling compelled me into the kitchen.

Everything seemed normal until I looked down and found my mother on the floor. She was not breathing. She was not moving. I dropped to my knees and began to shake her, but there was no response.

In that moment I realized my mother was dead and began to cry uncontrollably.

A moment later, she coughed up spittle and began to make choking sounds. She gasped for air as she slowly rose to a sitting position. It took another few minutes for her to speak, and when she did, she said she had apparently chocked on rice and as she choked, performed the Heimlich on herself using the kitchen counter before passing out.

I called 911 and the ambulance took her to the hospital. I followed lost in thought. She was alive; but I knew what it felt like to have my mother die.

As I finished the story I watched the smile melt from Shauna's face. Unable to respond, she turned and rejoined the party. Satisfaction.

My friends asked why I did that. At the time it was hard to explain.

You cannot will happiness... if you could, it would have no meaning.