On Starting Over

Not too long ago I was high on hope and moving toward what I thought was something amazing. Like most amazing things, it did not live long, failing for reasons unexplained. The pain resonates and is not easily contained. Like most people, I have sought out distraction in order to hide my disappointment, in the form of books, games, and films.

Distractions fail me, my thoughts keep drifting back.

I allowed myself to be angry for the first time in a while, blowing up in frustration and wallowing in my shit situation. Then it occurred to me, these things happen, they happen a lot; the trick is getting used to it. Perhaps the event's proximity to my birthday was a detriment, but the pain was multiplied by circumstances outside of my control. I couldn't fix our problem, nor could I help her with hers. She was hurt, and is hurting, and is doing so alone.  . 

I realized then that so little is within my control; but more than that, I saw how much we allow the past to define how we perceive the present, how we view ourselves. 

An idea was proposed over the course of this event that a person can be so broken that they cannot be fixed, that somehow happiness is some fantastical construct meant only for others, because somewhere, way back, the capacity for happiness was stolen or lost. 

I used to believe that was true. I've certainly felt that way, that feeling that something was inherently wrong with my personal design; and lacking schematics, could not properly address my problems. 

I see now how that kind of thinking leads down a dark road, allowing for bad decisions and poor excuses. It invites harm to others and ourselves. Standing on the outside looking in, we are all broken, or we think we are, and now we have an excuse to make poor decisions. 

Past trauma is meaningless in the face of potential happiness. I choose to no longer will be weighed down by such memories, they no longer define me. We are more than a collection of events, and if we accept that, then perhaps we may make peace with our shadows.